Posted by
GunnyG© on Monday, July 14, 2008 7:03:33 AM
Saint Goreacle is set to make a speech sponsored by the drones at moveyourbowelsorally.org. Saint Goreacle will dispense pablum from his pablum dispenser and tell us all how HE’D offer "a path to solve" the problems of the war in Iraq, the price of gas, and global warming. Set for THIS THURSDAY 17 July 2008, the Gunny KNEW that the suspense would kill the libdrones out there so here is what Saint Goreacle is going to say on Thursday.
Saint Goreacle:
“I have awakened our nation to the threatening climate crisis and the dangers of high levels of C02 (that is needed for photosynthesis) as well as the ill-fated Bush venture into Iraq. I will connect the dots tonight to show you libdrones, er, liberals, just how it’s ALL Bush’s fault. But first, a little history lesson is in order. You see my friends, Bush and Rove created a time machine that allowed Bush to go back in time and install Saddam Hussein as the leader in Iraq. You know that Bush 41 was the Director of the CIA so you KNOW that the CIA was involved in this as well. Thus, Bush and the evil Rove were able to set the stage for Bush’s Iraq war for oil. Never mind that the surge is working and that 15 out of 18 benchmarks were met. This is not what we’re talking about here. We’re talking about a cowboy doing what he thinks is right for America and is not paying any attention to what the French, Germans, or the other Euros feel about it. After all, don’t they deserve some say in our foreign policy?
What did you feel after the invasion of Iraq when you saw American soldiers holding dog leashes attached to helpless prisoners, 99% of whom, by the way, were innocent of any connection to violence against our troops, much less terrorism? Bad right? Me too. The Democratic Party’s stance has ALWAYS been to imperil the US troops before the enemy! As my friend Pinchy Sulzberger once said on being asked whom he’d rather see shot, an American GI or a North Vietnamese Commie, he said: “he’d rather see the American GI shot.” We on the left agree. The innocent prisoners at GITMO, who were being tortured in our name, are finally getting their due process in the Supreme Court, with the cost being paid for by the US Taxpayers (we on the Left LOVE THAT!) The visual images providing evidence that our soldiers, acting in our name, with our authority, were torturing helpless people and that it was a matter of Bush’s policy made me want to cry. After all, me and Slick Will, er, Bill Clinton treated global terrorism like it was a law enforcement problem AND ignored it as much as possible hoping it would go away (until a Republican took office that is). It’s Bush’s fault.
Now, these days, you’re hearing from a lot of experts who have REAL PhD’s (not like my friend Ward Churchill or myself) who say that global warming is a hoax. Don’t listen to them. Never mind that the arctic ice is thicker or more advanced than it should be this time of the year or that many glaciers are actually growing, listen to me, I’m telling you that Mother Gaia is in trouble. Never mind that the Mother Gaia has managed to survive billions of years without my help, I need your donations to my carbon credit company since my electricity bill for my 28,000 square foot mansion has grown since last year even! Yes, and since my friends in the Sierra Club have fought so vociferously against burning the undergrowth in forests in the West, we now have massive burnings throughout the American West, which serve to release more evil CO2 into the air, thus increasing plant life. This is not good. If plant life increases, how will a fraud like me be able to flim-flam you sheep, er, I mean, good people? I’m telling you right here and now, the debate on global warming is over. I have so declared it. Now sip your kool-aid while I discuss the evil doings of Big Oil. It's all Bush's Fault.
Our economy runs on oil. (It's ALL Bush's fault.) We democrats HATE IT when the economy runs well since then, we can’t create a victim or entitlement class as easily as we’d hoped. We on the Left have rigged the game so that YOU, the American people, have to borrow huge amounts of money from China to buy huge amounts of oil from the Persian Gulf to make huge amounts of pollution that destroys the planet’s climate. I, Saint Goreacle, want this to stop. I want you to stop driving your cars and either walk to work or ride a bicycle. Only us rich limousine liberals can drive SUV’s and Cadillac’s like Congressman Rangel does. I DEMAND a greater reliance on ethanol, cellulosic ethanol, butanol, and green diesel fuels will not only reduce global warming pollution and enhance our national and economic security, it will also reverse the steady loss of jobs and income in rural America, as well as raising the cost of food to the point where Americans will be hungry for the first time in 100 years and THUS, will scream for government assistance. And boy, we can’t WAIT to run your lives for you.
Now Big Oil says that we should drill more and that would bring more oil into the market, thus adding to the supply, and bringing down the demand. All true. But WHO wants them to drill in ANWR on those 2000 acres out of 19.6 MILLION acres of prime arctic nothingness? Not me and not you! Big Oil gets way too much profit and that is why we on the Left want to tax it. It won’t bring any more oil into the market or lower the price at the pump but it WILL give us more money to buy votes from the lazy and stupid, er, the poor and needy in our society.
I plan on revitalizing the farm economy by shifting its mission from a focus on food, feed and fiber to a focus on food, feed, fiber, fuel, and ecosystem services. We in the Democratic Party will ENSURE that we wreck the economy to the point where we’ll regress to the point BEFORE the Industrial Revolution and we’ll sit back and manage while you people work in the fields. After all, Congresswoman Sheila Jackson-Lee had it right where she said we’ll nationalize Big Oil’s companies. We plan on getting them ALL though. Big Oil, Big Tobacco, Big Health, Airlines, etc. We are gonna OWN YOU...ah, work FOR you. So in the future, when you’re behind a team of oxen plowing the fields, like the Cubans are today under Castro, you can thank us on the Left. We’ll restore the health of depleted soils by having the sweat off of your brows fall into the soil as you till raw sewage from the DNC (and BOY can we pump it out) into Mother Gaia in preparation for planting what we tell you to plant.
I plan on taxing Big Oil into bankruptcy just like we almost did to Big Tobacco. We did not cure cancer but we did manage to get rich off of the sweat of others AND kill a few thousands jobs in the process (thus adding to the entitlement crowd). We’re not going to drill for more oil, we’re going to Jimmy Carter you into sucking it up and cutting back. As my mentor Jimmah once said, “plan on doing less with less!"
In closing, just remember that anything wrong today is Bush’s fault. If you apply that simple test to everything from the high price of oil to the fact that farmers are growing less food (thanks to me and the Congress for forcing more ethanol down your throats) to the fact that we’re winning in Iraq but we never should have gone there to begin with, you’ll be fine. Remember, there is truth in global warming just as there is truth and justice awaiting you in the Democratic Party. So please, join such American heroes like me, Nancy Pelosi, John Murtha, Harry Reid, William Jefferson, Charlie Rangel, and many, many others who work for our betterment, er, your betterment every single day. Oh, and I promise, this month, I’ll turn my AC up from 68 to maybe 70. But always remember this, "some pigs are more equal than others." Oh, and thank me for inventing the internet. Lastly, even though I got a C in science in Harvard, and flunked out of divinity school not once but TWICE, I've become the King of Global Warming and the High Priest of Goreanism. Ain't America great?"