Tehran -- Iranians today thanked former U.S. President Jimmy Carter for putting their entire civilization under the rule of crazed theocratic mullahs who rule by decree not by vote.
"In 1979, I was happily contemplating a life where I could get a job, live my life, and enjoy some of the comforts of Western life, such as video games, Tabasco sauce, and watching Benny Hill on the tellie. Then our good friend Jimmy Carter left the evil Shah, who was foolish enough to allow us certain civic freedoms, in the lurch, and let the Great Ayatollah Khomieni take over. Now I know that when I make a misstep in society, the mullah's "Ushers of Extreme Displeasure," commonly referred to as "The Ushers" will be there to whip me back into line. In fact, just yesterday I failed to thank Allah for some bird droppings that splattered on my shirt and The Ushers were instantly there to whip me like a red-headed stepchild. Thanks be to Allah," said Iranian Sam Phuckim. "It could have been worse," Sam said, "my neighbor had his lips stitched together by The Ushers for not saying Allah enough. We truly thank Jimmy for that."
Sam's neighbor swears to praise Allah more now.
"I've always wanted to see a beautiful woman be stoned to death simply because a jealous man said that he had sex with her after she, in reality, rejected him." Nuclear Physicist Solong Babie said. "Thanks to Jimmy Carter, I've seen it! Praise be to Allah the Merciful." He quickly added, looking around fast.
This woman managed to thank Jimmy Carter before the first stone busted her jaw.
Carter is known to be the only person on earth who actually believed that the Ayatollah Khomieni wanted to impose a peaceful reign on the formerly very progressive and prosperous nation of Iran. After Carter rolled over for the Ayatollah, the Mad Mullah reneged. Carter had this to say of the moment. "Well, you win some you lose some," he shrugged. "Hey, I really thought that he was sincere," Carter said, "how could I know he was gonna punk me out like three-dollar hoe on payday?"
Iranians lined up by the thousands to thank Jimmy Carter, as he rolled through the streets of Tehran today, stroking Ahmadinejad's hand in estacy. They held up signs like the one below to show their absolute joy at living in a land ruled by 12th Century thinking mad men.
Thank You Jimmy Thank You Jimmy Thank You Jimmy
Carter insisted on Tuesday that the complete and utter failure of his diplomatic efforts in Iran, which led directly to the Ayatollah Khomieni's takeover and the slaughter of hundreds of thousands of people deemed "too Western" by the mullahs and nuts like Ahmadinejad, was not his fault.
"I don't care what the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy says," Carter retorted. "I know my efforts were worthwhile because they now have a leader who really cares about their spirituality and their moral behavior. I mean we in the DNC, oops, I mean America, could really learn from them. So maybe it's for the better that I weaseled out and left an ally twisting in the wind. After all, what's a few stonings and floggings here and there. But for now, you'll have to excuse me, I have to fly to Venezuela to validate another election for Chavez. He's down 50 points in the polls so I have a lot of work ahead of me.
Carter shows his medals and gifts from Ahmadinejad. He is considered a Hero of the Islamic Revolution and is a member of the Friends of Allah nightclub located in Tehran. (Affiliate clubs in Cuba and Venezuela).