Posted by
GunnyG© on Wednesday, November 15, 2006 7:55:28 AM
A lethal attack occured today in the U.S. Senate which left three dead and twenty-four wounded. It took the Secret Service, FBI, and EMT's just a few minutes to arrive on the scene our undercover reporter, Claude Balls, stated in a hurried phonecon early this morning.
Claude Balls replaces our venerable investigative reporter, Joe Bolt, who was found dead in Vermont a month ago, investigating strange screams emanating from the woods near DNC Chairman Howard Dean's plantation. Joe was found clutching a kitten skin. One photo was found posted to our server from Joe. Police in Vermont are stymied.
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"YYYYYYYYEEEEEAAAAAAAAAARGH!
The attack came in the form of a noxious gas cloud released from the area of the Senate where Quagmire Ted Kennedy sits. Although the NBC (nuclear, biological, and chemical) alarms immediately sounded, slumbering Democrats were caught flatfooted by the toxic cloud. A page, fleeing the scene, was heard to scream: "BEER FART!" before passing out. He survived the attack and is in stable condition.
Claude had caught a picture of Quagmire Ted going into the Senate earlier, for a vote on raising taxes on Americans (Quagmire voted Yes), and wondered at the rotund nature of Quagmire, in a note posted on our news site. Claude stated: "D*MN! He gets BIGGER every year! (Photo below)
Claude managed to beat the rush out of the Senate building and noted several Senator's gasping for breath saying things like: "Ted's killing us...literally" and "He needs to stop drinking that 12 pack at breakfast!" and "He needs a HIGH COLONIC!" As Quagmire, fleeing the cloud that he released, rushed by Claude, Claude managed to snap this picture (below center) and noted that: "for a fat guy, Quagmire Ted sure moves fast!" A senior Senator, who asked to remain anonymous, stated, "I have not seen him move that fast since Chappaquiddick!"
The three dead are as yet unnamed pending the Democrats rigging an election to fill their seats. The twenty-four wounded have been given the best health care that this nation can offer, free of charge, at Bethesda Naval Hospital, even though they are multi-millionaires in their own right and can afford to PAY for their OWN health care. Starbuck's Latte's are being delivered to the twenty-four Senators, who, in their ULTRA private rooms, are getting round-the-clock treatment from sexy young nurses. Sponge baths and "hot soapies" are the order of the day from Senate Leader Harry "Land Grab" Reid. Reid stated early this morning: "We need you all back ASAP so we can raise taxes, spend other people's money willy-nilly, Impeach Bush, and cut and run in Iraq."
Quagmire Ted is back in the Senate today as of 0750, his Senate seat enclosed in a gasproof Lexican chamber, with a/c being pumped in and the beer farts being evacuated via state-of-the-art air pumps. (EPA is investigating the enviro impact).
More on this as it comes in.